Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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