She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
