I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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