just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
