It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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