seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
