Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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