I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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