How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
