I hate your face
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
