so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
