and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
