I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
