Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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