dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
