he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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