Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
