so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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