Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
