So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
