My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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