I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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