Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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