conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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