Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
