Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
