can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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