I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
