he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
