the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
