btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
