Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
