I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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