He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
