I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
