someone threw a dead crab at me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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