I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
