things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
