I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
