I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
What drink are we having for lunch?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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