i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
