come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know, be my cock's hype man.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
