if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
