I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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