I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
one might say we're banned from that church
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
