i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I had to cum in my sink.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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