I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
