Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
