Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
