oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
