I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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