escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
